Simply Carolina Dreamz » WLS » Post Op WLS 4/30/03 Part One (Re-post)

Post Op WLS 4/30/03 Part One (Re-post)

Heidi after

**I’m re-posting these posts, from my hacked and crashed blogs, because they share, with you, who I am.  They are important to the “me” I have become.  They are a little dated and I’m not updating too much of the information.  The re-posting of the important posts, that have been recovered, is a another miracle, in itself.  Its how I blog, from now, after losing close to 1,000 old posts, in other blogs.  I appreciate your patience if you’ve read these already. IF this is new to you.. welcome to my starting over blog. :) **

Okay, so I opened this blog post with some WLS code. Just what is this nifty code that I possess?

Well, WLS is Weight Loss Surgery. Some of you, that have followed me here from Tess’ main blog on Y!360 have heard my weight loss stories, throughout the last couple of years. But, for the most part, my weight loss has been very slow and rather discouraging.. so I stopped blogging about it many moons/pounds ago!

Update: This was me in April 2003Heidi before 2003 weight loss surgery:

I think I stopped my online journal of my “proud to be a loser” days, when I just flat out stopped losing and didn’t see my health improving.

I have now lost 150+ pounds.

My biggest accomplishment with this, is that I’ve done all of this weight loss on practically 90+ percent bed rest. I have a bad back. I live in constant pain.

I was a “fattie” for way too long.

I was always a “big girl”. Always. I don’t recall a time in my life when my weight was not put in my face by everyone I knew and didn’t know. When the kids with learning disabilities went to extra resource classes, during school hours, I went to a dietitian for “weigh-in” and “food log check”.

Now, the only thing I hated more about going to these stupid resource joke classes was the fact that I never told the damn truth in them.. EVER! I didn’t log my food. The more “my fat” bothered everyone else, the less I had it bother me. No motivation is ever found in this negative type of regular reminder.

I have always had great pride in my integrity. I know that my integrity is all I have, on most days. This lack of telling the truth, wasn’t really a lie, I justified, to myself. All through this, I continued to feel that “omission” was as much a lie as any lie ever could be. Do you think this made me feel better about myself? Do you think that it made me count calories or eat less?

No.

My big realization of what my true problem was, came to me in a weekend alone with tons of food, after a consultation with Jenny Craig. I was sick at the idea that I had to add more food to this already enormous amount of food before me. How was I ever going to eat all of this stuff in just one week?

That was when I realized that I was an emotional non-eater. Now, this does not mean that I never over ate. Quite the contrary. I would go all day long and eat nothing and then make up for it after 10pm! What a nightmare it was to live with.

As I became a teen, I didn’t really have a lot of trouble “dating”. I would never have anything to do with shallow people, if I only weighed 88 pounds. As my weight seemed tolerable and rather accepted, I cared less about it, too.

At age 24, I delivered my third child at 288 pounds.

I have been on every diet you can think of, minus medifast and/or other doctor monitored/induced starvation diets.

Remember the diet candy of your youth? The name has slipped my mind. You name it, I’ve tried it. My biggest problem, though, was that I never could see it as a “way of life” for me and felt hypocritical to even stay on any non-sensible eating plan. I was not going to live on shakes for the rest of my life. (Those candies were called AIDS, huh? How ironic is that?)

No one could get me to eat celery to save my own life. I’m a big veggie eater, too.

Slowly, I gained more and more weight. I was divorced, returned to dating, and eventually remarried, too. My weight never really interrupted that part of my everyday.

My podiatrist had made me stop walking. That wasn’t really too hard, because I really couldn’t walk for many years before he said this to me. But, how was I going to exercise, at all, if walking were removed from my equation?

Around 1991, one of my really close friends had weight loss or bariatric surgery. They called it “stomach stapling” back then. I was worried sick for this friend, and this surgery had a lot to do with the demise of our friendship. Mostly she changed, which was to be expected.. I just didn’t like what she became. I wanted my “fattie” friend back because that woman had a heart, and considered people around her and not just herself. I also could not appreciate her weight loss because I couldn’t see it, for many reasons. One major reason was because she had this great need to wear a smaller size, so bad, that she wore clothes that didn’t yet fit her and she looked awful!

I spent the next ten years researching this surgery, however. One day, I realized, that I could only have this drastic surgery if I were at the point of choosing it over death. I had to be ready to die!

This surgery is the hardest thing I have ever done and yet I’d do it again, too!

I am a completely different person, on the outside. I don’t know that girl in the mirror or in photographs that you have seen online. I don’t know if I ever will know that reflection, but that’s all right with me, now.

It has not been all rosy, for me, and I will fill you in on that in the near future, right along with my current accomplishments and struggles.

~to be continued~ 

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